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  • Cloud Strife and Sephiroth Sound Off on Square Enix Merger

    WALL STREET - Looking for an interview on today’s economic crisis I stumbled upon a man with a great sword amongst the tiny men hunched over in suits, intrigued I asked to interview him. “What is your name?” I inquired. In a quiet but troubled voice, he responded “Cloud Strife”. Shocked I grabbed my microphone.

  • Konami Has Plans to Torture You.

    Konami has announced it will pick up movie turned game Saw. It will be created by Zombie Studios, a company that I've found to be run by actual zombies. Like with all half done licensed games with no information on them, this had hit game written all over it and Konami was wise to notice.

  • EA recession proof; creates another bad company.

    HELL - In an attempt to make my first news post look good, EA and DICE have announced that they still don’t understand the word irony by announcing Bad Company 2. The first person shooter will be released this winter on the Playstation 3, Xbox 360 and PC.

    EA has seen better days after having 1,100 (11% increase) layoffs and yet still lacking the money to make a great game. However, perhaps the company has hope in star title Mass Effect 2. It certainly convinced would be stock holders as EA’s stock has somehow managed to go up two dollars a share.

    In other EA news, the company has announced the delay of Dragon Age citing “epic winz”, the delay of Godfather 2 because “the family wasn’t big enough for epic winz” and Sims 3 because “this will never be epic winz”. Why delay a great game when your company is falling apart? That’s why EA makes the tough decisions, because they excel at it.

    From: http://www.gamespot.com/news/6204185.html?tag=result;title;0

  • Blizzard Skips E3 2009; Too Busy Counting Money

    IRVINE -Reps for super mogul company Activision Blizzard are reporting that they will skip E3 2009 in it's entirety.

    This is a blow to loyal fans of the game makers series Starcraft and Diablo that were hoping for a playable demo for the newest installments of each.

    When asked why they were sitting this one out reps offered no comment as they were too busy wading through piles of cash generated by World of Warcraft monthly recurring subscriptions.

    We followed up wondering if the company cared that many loyal fans would be dissapointed by the announcement, and while again they declined to comment we are pretty sure we heard the sound of riotous laughter coming through the money vault doors.

  • Metal Gear Solid 4 hits 4.5 million; Nobody gives a crap.

    HOBOKEN - Konami reported today that the latest installment in their critically acclaimed video game series, Metal Gear Solid 4, hit the 4.5 million copies sold benchmark.

    That is, they would have announced that had 4.5 million actually been a real benchmark worthy of praise. Konami apparently couldn't hold out until 5 million, like a good game would have sold, but hey, congrats on being not quite good enough Metal Gear Solid.

    We'll keep you posted for when MGS4 hits 4.6 million, 4.7 million, 4.82 million and of course the all important milestone 4.9234 million units sold. Oh and in case you weren't picking up the sarcasm, we're mocking Konami pretty hard. Even if they were one of the few major gaming companies to post a profit this season. $195,000,000 to be exact....should we throw a parade?

    I've got dibs on playing guitar freaks in the marching band.

  • Local Man Photoshops Tetris High Score

    JACKSON - A new world record has been set by a local man in Jackson, MS. Joel Bradson has become the first American to photoshop a Tetris highscore of 100 MILLION points.

    Previous attempts to fool us into believing greatness reached only as high as 200,000 points. Joel has taken the rules of the game and bent them backwards.

    "Not everyone can be great..." said Joel humbly when asked about his new record, "...but anyone can download Photoshop and fake it." Great words from a fakely great man that also happens to be an average level photoshop user.


Features

Top 5 Events You Shouldn't Invite Your WoW Guild To

March 11, 2009 by Micah Bleich

You love your guildmates, well, as much as you can love people you mostly only interact with online anyways, but what if you did see them more off-line? We'd like to help you avoid ruining your life as much as possible, so here is a list of the 5 events you probably shouldn't bring them to.

Image of Dancing Dwarf from WoWguru.com

Your rating: None Average: 6.9 (105 votes)

Top Ten Things You Can Learn By Watching Red Vs. Blue

February 9, 2009 by SSXallnight

Any gamer worth his snuff is familiar with Red Vs. Blue, but not a lot of people realize the educational value of the Halo-based machinima. If you're one of the unfortunates who isn't cool enough to know about the hilarious internet series; here is a list of things you would know if you didn't spend so much time doing your homework or actually showing up on time to your job.

Your rating: None Average: 7.5 (13 votes)

5 Steps To Become A Pretentious Asshole

November 29, 2008 by Micah Bleich

Pretentious Bunny

Sometimes just knowing something isn't enough. To truly appreciate knowledge, one must draw attention mercilessly to themselves. So, Two Bit News is happy to present this top list to sounding like a pretentious asshole, or guide if you prefer deriving from the latin word meaning "full of information" (more on this later!).

Your rating: None Average: 7.4 (29 votes)