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  • Sega Cutbacks Planned, Sonic Commits Seppuku.

    FAIL ACADEMY - Sonic Studios and gambling machine enthusiasts Sammy will announce some “early retirement” and close "fun time places" later this month. Sonic fans announce joy in a chance that Sega might be forced to have competent workers.

  • GTA IV Voice Actor Shunned by Rock Star Games Family

    VICE CITY - Someone should have told voice actor Michael Hollick that performing like a pampered Princess Peach would make him one of the lost and the damned, almost literally.

  • Local Woman Tries To Play Video Game

    KALAMAZOO - Shocking news today in Kalamazoo, MI, as a WOMAN, that's right, a HUMAN FEMALE, attempted to play a video game.

    Mrs. Brianna Poole, a Michigan native, heard from a male friend that video games are fun. While no woman has yet to successfully play a video game other than Nintendogs, she still decided that she would try her hand at the much more complicated, Killzone 2.

  • Sony announces Home Revamp; Consumers Announce Disinterest.

    SAN DIEGO - Today Junji Shoda, Sony's head of international bussiness relations for Home, announced that twenty four companies will be making exclusive content for Playstation Home. Upon the announcement the virtually empty room sighed and checked their watches.

    “Does this work with the 360?” One fan asked. Unphased, the question was expertly ignored, and Mr. Shoda quickly moved onto the announcement that Resident Evil 5 would be the first to use this new system.

    Mr. Shoda then went on to say “This will damper Microsoft’s day”, just then a reporter stood up and said “Who cares? We all have Wiis”.

    Junji Shoda then opened the floor to further questions at which point one last reporter stood and asked “Are we supposed to care?”

    The room then dispersed to play Devil May Cry 4, Grand Theft Auto 4, Street Fighter 4 and the Resident Evil 5 demo on the Xbox 360.

    From: http://www.gamespot.com/ps3/adventure/residentevil5/news.html?sid=6204361

  • Microsoft Proudly Refuses to Stop Investing in Crap

    SEATTLE - Microsoft will not be sacrificing new game franchises in the face of a poor performing economy, Gamesindustry.biz reports.

    Microsoft believes that "The healthy companies will be the ones that have invested sufficiently during that phase that they've got exciting IP and innovative things happening for when that recovery starts to happen."

    For those of you that don't speak "Corporate Bullshit", what that means is that Microsoft makes so much money by producing pretty much every electronic device you use at home that it doesn't have to worry about a few piddling millions of dollars they might lose. (Details after the jump.)

  • EA Lawsuit Over Madden 2009 Thwarted by Handlebar Moustache

    THE INTERNETS - Kotaku.com reports that "In testimony during the class-action lawsuit against the National Football League Players Association, over royalties owed to retired players whose likenesses were used in Madden, EA's Joel Linzer said they made the decision to put Favre on the cover before he announced his retirement. When Favre announced his retirement, they considered replacing him with an active player, then bulled ahead and kept him on the cover. He later unretired."

    However, since that testimony EA has retracted that official stance and instead claimed they have not used Brett Favre on the cover of their game AT ALL, but rather, what you see is Wabrettio, Brett's evil twin. (Seen above).

    It's a very clever defense, since clearly that is a different person because he has a handlebar moustache.


Features

Top 5 Events You Shouldn't Invite Your WoW Guild To

March 11, 2009 by Micah Bleich

You love your guildmates, well, as much as you can love people you mostly only interact with online anyways, but what if you did see them more off-line? We'd like to help you avoid ruining your life as much as possible, so here is a list of the 5 events you probably shouldn't bring them to.

Image of Dancing Dwarf from WoWguru.com

Your rating: None Average: 6.9 (105 votes)

Top Ten Things You Can Learn By Watching Red Vs. Blue

February 9, 2009 by SSXallnight

Any gamer worth his snuff is familiar with Red Vs. Blue, but not a lot of people realize the educational value of the Halo-based machinima. If you're one of the unfortunates who isn't cool enough to know about the hilarious internet series; here is a list of things you would know if you didn't spend so much time doing your homework or actually showing up on time to your job.

Your rating: None Average: 7.5 (13 votes)

5 Steps To Become A Pretentious Asshole

November 29, 2008 by Micah Bleich

Pretentious Bunny

Sometimes just knowing something isn't enough. To truly appreciate knowledge, one must draw attention mercilessly to themselves. So, Two Bit News is happy to present this top list to sounding like a pretentious asshole, or guide if you prefer deriving from the latin word meaning "full of information" (more on this later!).

Your rating: None Average: 7.4 (29 votes)