Cloud Strife and Sephiroth Sound Off on Square Enix Merger

February 7, 2009 by Jack Belmont

WALL STREET - Looking for an interview on today’s economic crisis I stumbled upon a man with a great sword amongst the tiny men hunched over in suits, intrigued I asked to interview him. “What is your name?” I inquired. In a quiet but troubled voice, he responded “Cloud Strife”. Shocked I grabbed my microphone.

Cloud obliged my offer and sat on the curb head in hands. I noticed the scars on his wrist “Are you ok?” I asked not looking to press an issue “Yeah, it’s just” He paused “Do you like me?” My face turned red and I didn’t know how to respond, “Well, you’re handsome, strong, you have a really really big sword” He smiled and wrapped his arm around me “Thanks, lets get something to drink”.

Sitting in Cid’s coffee shop Cloud began to open up. “Square Enix is struggling in the stock market” He said looking down. I asked him why he. He replied “It’s just, they remake every Final Fantasy game, but they stop at mine.” Cloud takes a deep breath “It’s like they don’t even care.” When asked if he thought a Final Fantasy VII remake would end the recession he smiled “It defiantly would, the sequel would make us all rich too.”

Cloud and fans have been on the campaign to remake Final Fantasy VII since 1998, but they’re words have gone unheard. “It’s not that we don’t want to do another one, we’d love to. We’ve even appeared in Kingdom Hearts” Cloud said of his co-stars “Tifa and I haven't talked since the divorce, but I know she’d love to do it.” Cloud then asked me to go to Square Enix HQ, I was happy to do so.

Upon my arrival in Japan, a man in a suit appeared in a limo and told me to enter. As we drove we said nothing, he only looked at nudie magazines and pleasured himself. He led me up an elevator in the large building to where I was told to wait in an office. I sat for hours, until I heard a small voice. I presumed the president of Square Enix was arriving, so I readied my digital recorder.

The voice grew louder until I could hear it “... Sephiroth!” It sang as the doors burst open and a silver haired man with a sword bigger than me appeared. He approached “Hi how are you! Did you enjoy your flight- oh my god I'm so sorry I'm late- I had a few drinks, and you know how my mind gets.”

As I sat he undressed and laid down on his desk in front of me. “So did you talk to Cloud?” I nodded carefully keeping my eyes looking up “He must be real sad.” He moves his hands under him and does a split to lift himself up “He always shuts the door on the world” He said grunting “Life is too short to be closeted.”

After an argument on why you wear pants during an interview I began my questioning by asking him to sit in a seat, then on Square Enix stock asking if he had any fears in the stock that was shaky. “We lost eleven percent” Sephrioth said with a frown, he quickly looked up “But we gained a little back” the naked man yelled with spirit fingers. Gained they did, but is it a real gain or fans holding a company together? A stock that plummets to twenty one dollars and then raises one isn’t exactly a good sign.

Curious in fan reaction I hit the streets “I think Enix messed this whole thing up” Sandra Quixote of Kellogg told me “If they didn’t merge with Square they’d be bankrupt and we’d be on top banging them, banging them with ruthless force making them scream for help!” She began to punch me screaming something about Final Fantasy VIII being for “pussies”. Regardless the police took her away.

On the other side I asked Enix fans “I hope square fans get AIDS, and not the good kind either” Mi Huang of Brooklyn and star of Womb Raider stated “It’s because of them our games have bad stories, didn’t you notice the decline once Square came into the picture?”

However, I noticed one similar comment, all fans are disgruntled at Square’s abandonment of the Playstation 3, wishing AIDS, failure and making homophobic comments together as one. That’s when I realized, I have my story. In today’s economic crisis, let us not worry about sides, age old wars between fans of two companies or what console a company is going to put the next game on, lets just be happy we can still argue over these things and hope we will for many years to come.

I’m Jack Belmont, and this is a 2BN In Depth Report.

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