Top 7 Makeshift Weapons for Fighting the Undead

June 8, 2008 by ZachShephard

Vampires. Mummies. My love life. What do these things have in common? They’re all dead, and the legends of their deeds will be the foundation of nightmares for years to come. We all fear the day when the reanimated corpse of Abraham Lincoln meanders down the street, thirsting for vengeance, brains, and a hat that won’t restrict his ability to enter a parking garage.

You see, despite their win over terrorists in my first article for Two Bit News, Zombies aren’t exactly the loveable group that the media has made them out to be. Vampires are no better than their brain-seeking cousins, and mummies are just asking for social ostracization with the way they waste the planet’s most beloved natural resource: toilet paper. If I’m ever forced to wipe my backside with a piece of jagged bark because of a Charmin shortage facilitated by a mummy uprising, I’m not going to be a very happy camper. So how do we solve that problem before it starts?

By striking first.

Of course, if you’ve ever seen a horror flick, then you know that things never go according to plan for the heroes. So, as much as we’d like to fire the first shot in this war, we have to realize that the undead will likely be the ones to get things started, catching us mortals off-guard while we’re home alone/shopping at the mall/living on an Indian burial ground.

With that in mind, you’ll have to be ready to arm yourself in a moment’s notice, and Two Bit News is here to ensure that you conjure up the best makeshift weapons imaginable, listed in order of their overall effectiveness against the armies of the dead.

#7: Garden Hose

This soaker of sod barely squeaks in at the #7 slot, simply because its uses are limited to stopping a single breed of the undead: mummies. Two things happen to toilet paper when it gets wet: 1) It makes wiping less painful after you’ve accidentally eaten one of those peppers that comes with General Tso’s chicken, and 2)It starts to deteriorate(making the aforementioned wiping a risky – yet ultimately rewarding – endeavor).

So, while mummies may fall apart like a poorly constructed soft taco when subjected to the wrath of the garden hose, vampires and zombies will simply be moistened into a murderous rage. Because of its limited usefulness, this particular weapon goes no higher than #7 on our list.

#6: Your Neighbor’s Cat

Pound-for-pound, cats are some of the most fearsome creatures out there. (If you need proof, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COkumQuCibU .) There’s enough ferocity in a tiny tabby to bring a grown man to his knees. All you have to do in order to utilize this weapon is find two things: a way to piss the cat off, and a means of unleashing it into the undead horde.Using the garden hose from #7 is a great way to irritate the feline, and if you’ve got a trebuchet in your backyard, then you’re ready to launch a furry ball of fury into the unsuspecting legions of the enemy.

If your neighbors complain about how you’ve mistreated their beloved family pet, kindly remind them that you’re only trying to save humanity as we know it. If they don’t buy that, spray them with the hose.

#5: Ace of Base’s “The Sign”

It won’t save you from the armies of the dead, but if you know you’re not going to survive anyway, you might as well enjoy your last moments on earth by listening to the energetic beats of the greatest Swedish pop group to come out of the 90s. And, if you’re lucky, the mummies will break out into an improvised dance before they kill you.

Eat your decaying hearts out, zombies from the Thriller video.

#4: Whisk

Ah, the almighty whisk. Choice weapon of chefs and bane of unmixed eggs the world over. The whisk is a tool both powerful and mysterious, elegant in its simplicity, fearsome in its unbridled power. What can a whisk do? Damn near everything. In fact, it’s much easier to make a comprehensive list of things a whisk can’tdo:

- Train lions

- Drop gas prices

- Mix cooking ingredients (Yeah, we were surprised, too)

- Backflips

- Play any video games other than DDR

- Harness the power of the nimbus cloud

If that’s not a fine weapon, I don’t know what is.

#3: Lightsaber

A weapon generally reserved for Jedi and nerds (the two largest groups of people to frequent Two Bit News), lightsabers are God’s gift to sword-fighting. (Yes, God invented the lightsaber. Apparently.) If you happen to have a real one of these lyin’ around, you should be in good shape when the shit hits the fan.

Now, if you’re wondering just how a lightsaber can be useful against the undead, I have only one response for you:

You are an idiot.

It’s a damn blade of energy that can cut through steel, people. If you can’t figure out why this would be good for slaying the host of the damned, then you deserve whatever fate the vampires and mummies are going to deal you. The zombies will likely be more merciful than their undead brethren, as they’ll surely recognize that your brain just isn’t worth eating.

#2: Trowel

If you and some friends manage to reach the relative safety of the tool shed, the undead will be waiting for the guy with the hatchet or chainsaw to come out, screaming wildly as he resolves to end the invasion once and for all.

That guy is screwed. Royally.

Yes, he may take a few mummies down with him, but as soon as a vampire sinks its fangs into his butt callus (where gamers keep all of their best blood), he’ll quickly realize that thrilling heroics aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

The trowel, on the other hand, is the stealth weapon of the tool-shed arsenal. No one expects the trowel. After all, how could such an innocent digger of holes pose a threat to any creature, be it living or undead?

This pacifistic demeanor is what makes the trowel such a dangerous force. There could be a trowel lurking in your bedroom right now, and you wouldn’t even know it. And when the moment is right, it will attack. It will strike when your guard is down. Let the chainsaw and the hatchet suck up all the glory. Let them stand in the spotlight. But know this: the trowel is always watching. Waiting.

Moral of the story?

Trowels are fucking scary.

#1: Board with a Nail Through It (BWANTI)

The great equalizer. A weapon first perfected by Roman hippies in the early 60s as they fought off invaders from Antarctica. The beauty is in its simplicity: a single shard of pointy metal protruding from a plank of lumber. You can’t possibly screw this one up unless you grab the wrong end, in which case the human race is better off having lost you.

If you should be so graceful as to avoid stabbing yourself with your own BWANTI, you’ll quickly realize just how it earned its reputation as the most efficient killing device of all time.

The BWANTI’s single greatest feature is its ability to spread tetanus, and this becomes particularly important when dealing with vampires, mummies and zombies. You see, giving the undead heathens a bad case of lockjaw will keep them from being able to open their mouths. If you can’t open your mouth, you can’t bite anything; and if you can’t bite anything, you are worth exactly “shit” to the army of the damned. (Vampires incapable of biting are generally relegated to clerical positions, where they’ll spend the rest of their nights answering phones and bitching about how Sharon took their parking spot again.)

And, there you have it – whether you prefer to brandish a BWANTI or wield a whisk, this list has got something for everyone. So what are you waiting or? Get out there and defend your country from those toilet-paper-squandering monstrosities, before it’s too late!

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