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Jack Belmont

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Bio

Bio

Hey my name is Jack, some people know me by,
 
The J-Man, The Sexinator, The Silver Flamer, Adolf Shitler, Captain Swollenballs, Apple Bag the Man With The Legendary cum Shot, General Stiffy Stuffer, El Registrarse cortador, Three Balled Susie, Ryan The Creepy guy Who Touches You Too Much, Frank the giant Leprechaun and Jeff the worlds fattest Anorexic.
 
Some of my lesser known aliases are King awesome and the seximo. But you guys can call me sir. I was picked to post news stories because I'm made of pure pwnage, and one day I will take over the world. Also two people got this job with me and I'm not sure if you noticed but I'm the only one with testicles, or so I think... Ladies I can’t speak for you.
 
I’m ageless and timeless and every day when people tell me I look better, I respond with “That’s impossible, nothing gets better than perfect.” I am the most talented person in the world and the only person Chuck Norris fears.
 
I am a fan of the “punx rawx” and I pee a lot often mixing the two. I also invented porn, anal lube and the bendie straw.
 
My catch phrase is “Oh Thundercats yo!” And it is a fact that I am the coolest. It is for these reasons that I am the best staffer, it is for these reasons that I will win over all of you, it is for these reason that I am SPARTAAAA!

History

Member for
1 year 24 weeks
Blog
View recent blog entries

Games Gone Wrong

Super Fucking New New Super Mario Bros.
November, 17, 2009
Rockband: Kanye West
September, 18, 2009

Comic

Great Moments In Gaming - Mario Can Jump
November, 6, 2009

Horoscopes

Don't Be An Idiot

AQUARIUS
January 20-February 18
Recheck your credit card balance -- if you're close to the limit, now is the time to settle up. There are lots of ways to manage debt like shaking trees and selling the apples that fall out. If you didn't understand this piece of advice, it's because you don't play Animal Crossing, and therefore, are not a complete idiot. Congratulations.

Features

Top 5 Events You Shouldn't Invite Your WoW Guild To

March 11, 2009 by Micah Bleich

You love your guildmates, well, as much as you can love people you mostly only interact with online anyways, but what if you did see them more off-line? We'd like to help you avoid ruining your life as much as possible, so here is a list of the 5 events you probably shouldn't bring them to.

Image of Dancing Dwarf from WoWguru.com

Your rating: None Average: 6.9 (59 votes)

Top Ten Things You Can Learn By Watching Red Vs. Blue

February 9, 2009 by SSXallnight

Any gamer worth his snuff is familiar with Red Vs. Blue, but not a lot of people realize the educational value of the Halo-based machinima. If you're one of the unfortunates who isn't cool enough to know about the hilarious internet series; here is a list of things you would know if you didn't spend so much time doing your homework or actually showing up on time to your job.

Your rating: None Average: 7 (9 votes)

5 Steps To Become A Pretentious Asshole

November 29, 2008 by Micah Bleich

Pretentious Bunny

Sometimes just knowing something isn't enough. To truly appreciate knowledge, one must draw attention mercilessly to themselves. So, Two Bit News is happy to present this top list to sounding like a pretentious asshole, or guide if you prefer deriving from the latin word meaning "full of information" (more on this later!).

Your rating: None Average: 7.2 (13 votes)